She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
