Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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