We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
