I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
