We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
