Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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