my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
