I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
