quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I stole a fireplace last night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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