if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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