Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
