Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
