Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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