Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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