Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
