I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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