Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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