Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
