Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
