If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
