I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
