the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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