South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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