My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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