I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
