If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the day after is always just damage control
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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