new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
