Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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