I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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