Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
