he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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