im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Everyone says I win the strip club
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
