Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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