So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Actions speak louder than pants.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize