This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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