you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
