I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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