so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
