I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
