My nipple is on Facebook.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
