Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
