your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
