I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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