Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
