omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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