By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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