I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
