glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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