I think I won the penis lottery.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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