and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
