I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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