The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
