I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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