You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
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