so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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