Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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