Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
