Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
