Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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