New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
