I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
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