I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
