I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
