Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
