My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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