Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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