I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
