so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
