I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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