Dude my mom stole all your condoms
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
