I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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