i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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