I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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