Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
