dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
