why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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